Hey you Fiscal Conservatives: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

With Donald Drumpf looking like he’ll nab the Republican Presidential Nomination, I’d like to address this essay to the non-racist, non-homophobic, non-bigoted Republicans that are out there. You know who you are: you usually refer to yourself as a “fiscal conservative” and self-identify as a very reasonable, middle-of-the-road, socially progressive kind of person.

Well, I have some bad news for you: the party that you align yourself with is none of those things anymore.

The only proof that I need to offer up is Drumpf winning the nomination. Ask yourself if you really, really want to be associated with that. Watch John Oliver spell it out for you. Watch this clip of an African American woman being abused at his rally. Or watch him not immediately and unequivocally slam the KKK. (The Klu Klux Klan! For the love of God, that shouldn’t be difficult!) I am not asking you to take my word for it, just view the evidence. It’s all there.

Now listen. I understand your struggle. Not politically, exactly, but on a more personal scale. You see, I was once in love with George Michael. You know who I’m talking about, right? The singer who was half of Wham!: the hip shaking, Freedom-loving George Michael? Yep, him. I was in love, for real.

Well, as much as a 13-year old girl can be in love. I had his pictures hung up on my bedroom walls, I listened to his music all day, every day. I wanted him to be my boyfriend when I grew up. And then, I did grow up and I changed my mind. I’m not in love with George Michael anymore because I matured in my perceptions of the world and in my understanding of people. For example, I now understand that a gay man wouldn’t want to be my boyfriend. Clinging to that love would be really weird, right? Certifiable, in fact. I would probably have several restraining orders out on me if I clung to my unquenchable love for all things George Michael.

And I also faced reality: No matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to make George Michael romantically love me. See? That took some growing up on my part.

It’s not George Michael’s fault that I don’t have the body parts he desires. It’s not my fault I don’t have them either. It just is. I harbor no ill will toward George Michael for dashing my junior high dreams against the stony shores of reality. In fact, I think the two of us could totally be best friends if we met today in real life: We’d talk about music, he’d teach me his dance moves, I’d offer to play back-up violin on his next sultry jazz singer album. (George, if you’re reading this, call me!)

I can hear you asking, what on earth does George Michael have to do with Drumpf?? I’m getting there. You see, just like closeted George Michael from 30 years ago has changed, so has the Republican party of 30 years ago. The fact that some people are still clinging to the identity and ideals of the long-ago Republican Party would be akin to me still pining away for George Michael.

If you can still call yourself a republican after seeing the man chosen to represent your party, you have not grown up and faced reality yet. You are still singing “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” in your parachute pants. You are still pining away for something that, in reality, no longer exists.

It’s time to put childish fantasies away, grow up and face reality. The Republican Party, with its endorsement of Drumpf and all the evil, vile, hateful things he and his supporters represent, has left all of you “fiscal conservatives” behind in the dust. It’s time for you to leave them behind as well.


I look forward to hearing from you!


©2024 And In High Heels

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